Feb.13.01

More time on my hands than I ever thought I'd have. All of those times I was sitting at a shit job somewhere and came up with a hundred cool project ideas...now I basically have nothing to do and can't remember one stupid thing I wanted to do. And if I could remember, I'm not sure if I could get up the enthusiasm to do it.

Okay, so the temp thing has been turning out to be disappointing, mostly because they don't have anything for me. Yesterday was my only job so far, a brain-numbing four-hour sit. That's all. Today I did some training on the computer there, and my mind just felt kind of sick and swollen near the end. And still I didn't finish all of it! Suck, suck, suck! I left feeling discouraged, took the train back to my neighborhood. Had a nice lunch at Leo's, rented a movie. I feel like a big loser. I worry that C. is going to feel that way too. I keep trying to get him to reassure me (in various roundabout ways), and he isn't getting the message. Maybe I should just ask him outright, so he knows how bummed out I am. Ugh. I'm going to be so broke after the trip. I hate knowing that.

On a more positive note, I did call a mosaic tile studio today and the guy seemed to think he'd have work for me in March. I hope it pays okay...

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I don't even know what we'll do. I feel like an even bigger loser, knowing that I haven't come up with even one idea.

This whole jobless winter period is really sapping my creativity and I feel numb. I can't seem to get up any enthusiasm for anything. Maybe that's why I've been craving sex so much more lately--I need to feel something.

square - hip