Behold, the email I got today from my old roommate, Lady:

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Hello, Squarepants. I hope this is still a working email for you, becuase it is the only one I have. I switched jobs, so this is the correct one for me. Love the new place. Things are great. I even get complemented on the good job I'm doing occassionally. Wow. So glad I punted the other place. However, I probably won't be staying as long as I'd planned, because....

I'm pregnant! Due 5/5/02. Yeah! Feeling fine. I'm 12 weeks along, so getting out of the nausea, etc. I'll wait to give you details until I know you are here.

Love,

Lady

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Yup. Like I said before: Oh crap.

So I guess it's time I explained why this situation is such a pain in my ass.

Lady not only fucked me over at every possible turn while we lived together, but she has been a constant source of annoyance and trouble in my life, as well as the lives of many of her other friends. When she got married, she asked me to be in her wedding. It was an obvious gesture of peace, and I happily accepted, because I don't like to hold a grudge. Bestfriend was also in the wedding. She and I shelled out a lot of money for plane tickets, dresses, and a really amazing gift for Lady and her groom, and Lady didn't even say thank you. In fact, all she did was bitch at us for every little thing that went wrong, even when it wasn't our fault. I left that experience with the same sour taste in my mouth as when we lived together, and swore I'd try to drift out of her life, never to return.

Cut to our wedding time, two years later. I'm feeling charitable again, and I invite Lady and her hubby to our wedding. Everything goes great, and I start to think that Lady has finally grown out of her self-centered ways when I get a call a month later from Bestfriend. Lady is being an asshole again (I don't even want to go into it), and this time it's really bad. Bestfriend's had enough. So, being the loyal friend I am to Bestfriend, I swear that this is it. No more second chances. I am officially severing my ties with this woman, because clearly it is not worth being her friend. She's like a sucking black hole--you give and give, and you get a lot of pain/suffering/annoyance in return.

And now, here's this email in my inbox.

Well, now what?