March.13.03

E. cried at five this morning to be fed. After I picked him up from the crib and brought him to our bed so he could eat while I dozed, I found that I couldn't fall back to sleep. My mind had decided, instead, to take me on a tour of my childhood home.

Starting from the first floor and working my way up to the third floor and my old bedroom, I was treated to a detailed journey. My memory didn't fail to acknowledge fireplaces, beautiful woodwork that was never quite finished, rooms that we didn't use, holes in the plaster, various corners and closets and details I didn't even know I knew. Doors and floors and windows.

Some rooms even went through the metamorphosis of time--furniture (and its placement) changed, etc.

I stood in the backyard and smiled at the pear tree, remembering the pear-butter and pear pies.

I looked into the room where my Grandma had lived and thought about the morning I found her having an epileptic seizure in her bed.

I gazed into our only bathroom and reminisced about the claw-foot tub and the antique tile on the floor.

I remembered when Dad kicked me out of the house at nineteen and turned my bedroom into a storage space for his G.I. Joe collection.

I was reminded of my eighth birthday party in the big dining room and how my high school boyfriend and I had sex on the rug in that same dining room ten years later.

I even pictured what the house must have looked like after the fire, since I couldn't bring myself to go back and look for myself. I pictured the house after it was sold and some stranger renovated it. Everything. Everything. Good, bad, funny, weird, scary, sad, everything.

The whole time I was lying there, my heart felt so heavy with memories. I almost wanted to cry, but I couldn't. When I wondered why, the answer came to me instantly: Because I love my life now. I couldn't be any happier than I am right now. Look at me, I'm lying in our big, sleep-warm bed, nursing my infant son with my husband by my side. It's early and the light is pale and I can hear birds outside. The cat is dozing at our feet.

Goodbye, childhood.

It's okay to say that now.

square - hip