I walk around mostly in my head these days, like Charlie Kaufman in that movie "Adaptation." I loved that movie, by the way. Why didn't anyone tell me it was so good?!

Anyway. At night, before I fall asleep, I think about how I am so lucky and blessed. I thank the stars for each good thing, especially my beautiful boy. He's the greatest thing. I love him in a way I never thought I could love anyone.

And then, inevitably, my thoughts turn to death; death of those I love, my own death. Now that I have a lot to lose, I can't stop myself from thinking about the possibility of loss. Death is certain for every living thing, but I can't seem to wrap my head around it. And let me tell you a secret I have told no one else: Deep down inside, in my secret heart, I am afraid of death. I don't want to die and I don't want anyone I love to die. I can't imagine a world without those I love, and honestly, as conceited as this sounds, I can't imagine a world without me. Does that sound bad?

I am working to change my feelings about death. I want to be okay with it. Being afraid of death seems so cowardly somehow. I want to be noble and strong and face the unknown with my shoulders back and my head up. How does one go about doing that?

Really, I swear I'm not in a morbid mood, but you'd never know it by this entry.