Today we had a couple of Early Intervention therapists come to the house to evaluate E. They were two young, enthusiastic women who asked a billion questions and clearly thought E. was a cutie. It was not our first evaluation and I knew the questions they were asking, but still I found myself a little...nervous? I sweated a lot and offered them glasses of water and then forgot to get them. When it was over, I felt so drained. Good, but drained.
I wanted so badly for them to say nothing but positive things, but well, I suppose that would mean he wouldn't need therapy. He needs therapy and we'll be finding out what kinds soon enough. I feel relief at the obvious good-heartedness and enthusiasm of the therapists, and hope that things will continue to get better. I'm also still feeling sadness and this unsettling feeling that I'm pointing out all of our faults--and our child's faults--to strangers. I truly do know that really there is no finger-pointing going on here, but I can't yet shake the feeling of responsibility for this. It's beaten into your head even before your child is born that you are responsible for this child's development and growth. When it doesn't go the way of the "Typical Child" textbook, it can make you feel like maybe you did something wrong. I am working on kicking that feeling, because it feels like my old friend Low Self Esteem paying me a visit. No one is blaming me or C. It's just the way E. is wired, and there are many other kids who have odd or different wiring.
The other great thing is that this group has a social worker and a parent advocate on staff. I am really looking forward to talking to them.